I have been feeling quite down for the better part of the last couple weeks. Trying to be positive has been working on the outside, people say I'm happier, I'm joyful, I'm me again. I don't feel like me again. I feel like the opposite. I am weighed down with awful thoughts, harboured jealousy, spitefulness, grudges against people, friends, family.. I don't know what is happening to me. I have seemed to do a half-arsed reversal on the way I used to be. Still miserable, yet with a perfectly polished facade of functionality about me. False, false, false, and how easily people buy into it. I'm not a little on edge, I'm over it, way down the bottom floating amongst the rocks, not exactly crushed but certainly making my way. Ever so slowly. I'm just not happy. I tell you, and you tell me to breathe. Be calm. I can't. I don't want to breathe. It's hard when the people you love don't understand what it's like. Has he ever felt so helpless? I always wonder. I can't even put into words what is contributing to said sadness as of 

late. As per usual, it's the same things as it always was, but even more this time. Stupid things which I wish wouldn't bother me so horribly, but are so integral to my being e.g. money- the big one. 

Lately I have been struggling enormously- juggling redundancy, finding a new job, paying bills, my rent, and stressing night after night about how I have to come up with five-hundred dollars to postpone or I lose six-thousand dollars which I had booked non-refundable flights with. I literally find myself tossing and turning at night, I'm deathly tired but I cannot sleep for I become so restless. I can't breathe, I begin to feel my heart pound and I can hear it pump through my chest. I cough, I run my hands through my hair in the roughest manner trying to get a grip on whatever it is that is causing me to be like this. I wriggle around, in a strange type of agony- not physically hurtful, but rather mentally draining and in a way is so very painful. I can't even precisely put into words what is making me feel so empty. I just want what I can't have. My life isn't what I want it to be. I'm never excited. I work, I come home, I watch tv, I sleep. I visit my mother because I feel the only semblance of the life I used to have resides in my old home and even now I can feel it fading away. I don't know who I am anymore. I want my father, I want financial stability, I love my mother and how she raised me but I wish it was easier for her when I was younger, I wish I had opportunities, I wish I had a extended family, I wish I was fit and healthy and skinny, oh how I've wished so long for slender legs and arms, so much that it almost makes me sick to know that I think such shallow things but the desire overrides it all. I just see other people following their dreams and making the best of their time, and what am I doing? Struggling with money, with food, with weight issues, with self-esteem issues, with keeping friends, with missing family, with self-identity. I don't even know.