It is a rather high temperature today, as I lay in front of the fan with an upset stomach. I can hear keys rattle in hands as people walk past the house, excited that the weekend has begun and ecstatic to begin their journey to whatever it is they may be doing. I have not worked for a couple of days now. It tires me, exhausts me, not physically but mentally. It’s so dull, my mind is not gaining anything from it at all. It’s like school all over again, the different teams like classes, the drama over young love, or rather lust, and hanging out til I can have my next cigarette. I didn’t make it to work yesterday, I begun walking up that road and seeing the windows from the building glare in the sun- something told me to leave so I turned around and left. I know I need money to live, but it’s just not doing anything for me. My next paycheck will be sparse, and I will be okay with that. I find myself not caring too much about money, I hardly eat and if I do it’s not good food, just as long as the bills are paid and I have means to travel to and fro.
My housemate just spilled into the room, parading a vase of flowers she had gotten from her office colleagues. I felt comforted that someone else was home, to cheer me up or at the very least keep me company. She left just as quickly, palming me off with a rushed embrace and nervous smile, late for a birthday party. I had been invited too but I just don’t really feel included when I am invited places these days, to be honest I feel completely out of place everywhere I am bar my mother’s house or in a field of trees or flowers or submerged in the ocean, or any body of water. This place, my “home” does not feel like it at all. It feels like I’m in-between houses, like I’ve got a destination to get to after this, that it’s only temporary. My whole life feels like this, actually. It’s painfully empty and harsh. I find that when I’m alone I never smile, I never laugh. I think a lot. I try to read. Try to write. Try to draw. Nothing. My motivation has decreased since my medication has doubled. I’m just numb all the time. I don’t want to be alone. But I’d rather be alone than be around people that can’t grasp the context of this haunting feeling, this entity that seems to encapsulate my mind, my soul, every little inch of my being and slowly my body starts to feel it too. Just emptiness. Is there anything to look forward to?